WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
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[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
anyone else like Italian cereal
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]Niece: do you have a friend?
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind