When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
You Might Also Like
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.