Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.