This will never not be funny 😭
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(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!