I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
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People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
i love modern commerce
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The Book. The Movie.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”