We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Seas the day!!!!
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF