Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
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a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club