Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
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“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Meat Cute
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids