Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
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I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.