the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
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[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
#parenting
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.