Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
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I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?