Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
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why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
i baked you a cake
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Speak now or ever hold your peace
“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for