Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
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I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
New tinder profile pic
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet