i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
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If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
I want this so bad
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
Can’t stop laughing
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen