In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
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me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.