There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
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the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Mission: Impossible
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.