no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
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when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.