A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
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I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
My friend is an excellent librarian.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.