Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
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Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I feel it
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.