WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.