This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
You Might Also Like
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup