No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
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Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Sing it!
Stop making fast and furious movies.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.