[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
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Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.