“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
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12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.