therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
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“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,