If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
You Might Also Like
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
This guy gets it.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.