[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
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was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife