Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
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The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
me when the borders lift
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
May your day taste like creamy soup.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
The Punning Dead.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.