Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
You Might Also Like
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
me logging onto twitter
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No