*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.