Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
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My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Just had my nails done!
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Finally!
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.