Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
You Might Also Like
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
How times have changed.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
My Sentiments Exactly
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.