Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
You Might Also Like
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now