Fat chances are my favorite chances
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me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead