[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
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*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
We’ve all been there
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.