When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
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*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor