Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
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[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*