My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
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If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.