Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
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Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
wtf is an acronym
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.