JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
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On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
WHY?!
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream