waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
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I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
My dad.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.