Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
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Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Eat…
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
HOW DARE YOU
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Happy Friday
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?