[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
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I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M