Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
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I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle