They must have gotten it to go.
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“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both