I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
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I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.