My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
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I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does