waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
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Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”