“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
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The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.