Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
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Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life